Let's Be Reasonable

Far be it from me to think myself a perfect parent; I am really far from. Some of my blog posts in the future will focus on my various imperfections as a mother; but today I am going to focus on something I consider to be a strength: reasoning with my toddler.

From the time Gabe was old enough to start to understand, I've been trying to encourage him to "be reasonable." And in order to expect him to be reasonable with me, I have tried my best to be reasonable with him. This, I believe, has helped us to avoid many tantrums and clashes of will.

The end goal, of course, is to help him to become an independent thinker; and also to make him aware that others may not always see things the way he sees them and that it's important to communicate, and to compromise when necessary.

For example, I am practicing the piano and Gabe comes up beside me and starts banging away. I first ask him to stop and tell him that I need to practice. If he persists, I explain to him that it's very important that I practice these pieces so the children can sing on Sunday (or whatever other occasion I'm practicing for). Sometimes he relents, but if he still persists I tell him in plainer terms that it's Mommy's turn to play the piano and that he will get a turn when I'm done. Sometimes I set a timer. And sometime, if it's really not all that important for me to be playing the piano at the moment, I will get up and let him have his turn first.

If we are sitting in church on Sunday and Gabe wants his snack, instead of saying "no" (which is not good reasoning and can easily result in a royal fit-throwing), I always tell him the same thing: that he needs to wait until after a certain point in the program. By now, he knows this to be the routine and he usually doesn't ask anymore until he knows it's time.

I try to say "no" as little as possible (though I sometimes do slip), and when I do say it I try to accompany it with an explanation.

It's been more difficult since Isaac was born. I am increasingly unable to submit to my toddler's varying requests as soon as he makes them. And as reasonable as it may be to _me_ to put the baby's needs first, my toddler doesn't always see it that way, no matter how well I explain things. I find myself saying "You need to wait" a lot, and Gabe is often unhappy with this. Lately I've been trying to suggest other things he can do while he waits to take his mind off the waiting: "I can't get you out of your chair right now because Zac is still nursing; can you sing a song for me?"

Despite all the effort, there are still times when I simply have to put my foot down. And there are still the occasional tantrums that I just have to do my best to ignore. After all, we all have to choose our battles in this life, and our kids need to learn that, too.