Possessions and Sharing

When we were preparing to bring Isaac home from the hospital after his birth, I was anxious-- as are all parents with a second baby-- about how Gabe would react to having a baby in the home. To my pleasant surprise, he seemed to adjust pretty well. Nick and I still gave Gabe a fair amount of attention; and Gabe loved his baby brother, giving him hugs and kisses, "holding" him on the couch, laying with him in bed...Gabe loved to "play" with his baby brother, rolling cars over the baby's belly, etc.

Then Zac became mobile...All of a sudden, Gabe became much more aggressive towards his brother. It took me a long time-- and a lot of bops on the baby's head with various toys-- for me to pinpoint why.

Up until recently, there was never a real clear definition in our house of which things belonged to Gabe, which things belonged to Mommy or to Daddy, or to the baby...And which things should be shared as "community property." In Gabe's mind, no doubt he thought everything should belong to him, or at least that he should be able to play with whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I began to realize that this was why we had such a hard time getting Gabe to leave our things alone, and also why Gabe suddenly became so possessive once his baby brother became a "threat" to take away the things that were precious to him.

Last week, it all came to a head when I suggested Gabe share his Tonka Chuck cars with Isaac. It seemed reasonable to me. There were fifteen cars, along with a play mat that my mom had made Gabe for his birthday. It was the perfect toy for the two boys to share. Right?

Immediately, Gabe started hoarding the cars and would not let his brother have a single one! Every time Zac managed to grab one, Gabe would yank it out of his hands. I asked Gabe again to let Zac have one of the cars. "But he'll eat them!" "No he won't," I said. "Look, he's rolling them on the floor just like he's seen you do!" Didn't work. Gabe still would not share. So I threatened to take all the cars. Gabe still would not share, so I took the cars away and put them up high, and both boys began to cry.

As I thought and thought, I realized that I had been operating on assumptions that, while they seemed reasonable to me, Gabe obviously did not think as I did.

We have three toy bins in the boys' room. One bin is for Isaac's toys, one is for Gabe's toys, and one is for "sharing toys" (you see, I had already started defining posessions for Gabe, but we weren't quite finished yet). Previously, I had done the sorting of these three bins. But finally last weekend, I took out all the toys and I let Gabe help me sort them this time. As we put away each toy, I deferred to Gabe to decide which toys should be "his," and which ones he was willing to share with his baby brother (and the toys Gabe was obviously too old for were put in Zac's bin). Gabe surprised me with some of his choices. Some toys that I thought he'd want to keep for himself, he decided to share; and some toys that I had hoped would make good sharing toys, Gabe wanted to be "his." Including the Tonka Chuck cars.

At this time, I explained to Gabe that if he wanted his toys to stay safe, he would have to be responsible for putting them away, and that if he left a toy of his out where his brother could get to it, he was out of luck. Nick and I also explained to him, that if he wanted his things to be respected, he would also have to start respecting some things that belonged to Nick and I that we didn't really want him playing with. And we also explained-- again-- the importance of not taking something away from someone else that they are currently using, without asking first. He seemed to understand this, as later that evening I was reading a book and highlighting certain passages. Gabe came along and grabbed the highlighter I was using. I calmly asked him to give me back the marker, that I was using it. He gave it back, and then asked me if he could have it. I said "no," and he seemed bummed out by that, but I suggested he go find something else fun to play with, and he eventually accepted it and went on his way.

I can't say that the aggressive behavior has gone away completely, but Gabe does seem more willing to share now, and to wait his turn for things that he wants to play with. So, with time and consistency, I hope my efforts will pay off. At least Zac isn't getting bopped on the head so much anymore...